Heart Full and Aching

My heart is aching...

All the words I can put to how I feel is: tired, on the edge of something brand new, isolated, working so hard alone, empty...

I just got back from taking 10 8th graders backpacking on the Olympic Penisula this week and I really feel like I have 10 new friends at Lakeside. I felt like I was guiding for Beyond but more than that for Jesus again. I carried a typical-way too heavy pack, a pink float toy, a very large chocolate bar & dice and a pocket full of silly games, jokes, riddles, and questions. I gave them all everything I had. The hardest part of the whole trip was rather than coming home to a dock of dancing and singing hippies, I came home to an empty house, with dirty dishes and 3 wedding invitaions.

Somehow, today I feel like I am the one standing still while the world passes me by...some are preparing for marrage, the new exciting adventure, one that I hope to step into one day, while I coached a softball game. Yesterday, we had our last softball game and we played so well and it was so exciting, but it was the last game. I left feeling so victorious but had to celebrate by myself (Dave Matthews new music in the kitchen and some cooking). At almost the exact moment my friend Amy Sanderson got married. I am so proud of her and Kevin and my heart aches as I had to celebrate as I was jumping and clapping for the second base runner to run home.

I anxiously await to catch a glimpse of what Jesus is doing with me...I can't help but wish we could have used the improved skills for another few games or more weeks of school before summer after a great week bonding with my new friends...I can't help but wonder why there is not more time getting to hangout with my new friends.

I am thrilled for folks and the ways that they are healing and moving on in life but I just can't seem to move on from my hearts love...adventure, wilderness, new & old faces. I want to dance and play but for some reason it is really getting hard to do alone. I long to share life with folks. I want to have a "family" to come home to. I want to celebrate life with those around me (weddings, engagements, salvation, grace, joy).

For some reason, when I celebrate with strangers at the grocery store about discounts they just look at me funny. When I try to help folks by holding the door, I get ignored. This all rubs me weird and makes me nervous to love. Even friends that I know understand my desire to serve, are viewing me weird...sure its awkward when someone references Song of Solomon at an engagement party :) But I am thrilled to celebrate to good in life and with bad all around I can't help it! Its like when you have been climbing a mountain for a week without a bath and you smell something good...it just stands out!

I am tired of being afraid to love. I want to move into a stride of loving those around me in way that is without excuse.

This is starting to not make sense but I choose love in my life. Friends to break bread with, people to serve, family to share with, and heros to inspire me. I am so thankful for those in my life and realize that there are seasons of love, inspiration and service.

I am thankful for Matty Azar and his willingness to talk, share memories with me and remind me that there is a Happy Ending in love. I am thankful for Eric Mann for his joy to share the beginning of his summer with friends and share a meal together. I am thankful for Tessa Thralls for loving to laugh and share the weight of heartache. I am thankful for Hannah Kinsley for never giving up on her Savior and serving so joyfully even through pain. I am thankful for my parents for pushing me out to find where Jesus wants me to live for Him. I am thankful for Becca Williams for giving me a second chance at friendship and not giving up on me.

I look forward to the day when all the loves in my life can come together and share joy, inspiration and love. That day will be the happiest day of my life.

Thank you Jesus for dreams, for life and for love! You are incredible to me! WOW! I am so OVER full that it hurts...heart growth pains are so sweet and hard.